1 00:00:09,020 --> 00:00:11,860 Perfumeries, stationery and leather goods. Waste and drug adultery. 2 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,240 Kitchenware and food. 3 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:14,480 Oh. 4 00:00:15,820 --> 00:00:16,820 Enter. 5 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:20,920 Here we are, sir. 6 00:00:21,180 --> 00:00:25,780 One cup of decaffeinated coffee with two lumps of desugarized sugar with a dash 7 00:00:25,780 --> 00:00:26,900 of defatinated milk. 8 00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:30,580 It ain't worth drinking, but if you pour it over your head, it'll wake you up. 9 00:00:32,460 --> 00:00:33,560 Where are my slimming biscuits? 10 00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:37,540 Oh, thank you, Father. They're so few in calories, it blew off the tray. 11 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:40,320 It has been defluffed. 12 00:00:40,900 --> 00:00:43,800 Yes, I'll do without the biscuits. Oh, please, yourself. 13 00:00:44,020 --> 00:00:45,840 Oh, by the way, the CDU's arrived. 14 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:51,020 The CDU? Christmas display unit. Shall I bring it up? Oh, yes, yes. Yeah, right. 15 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:52,680 I'd better inform staff. 16 00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,120 Which one do you think suits me best? 17 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:58,040 This one or this one? 18 00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:00,160 Oh, if I was you, I'd stick to that. 19 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:04,459 Captain Peacock, are you free? 20 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:07,440 Not at the moment. I'm fluting. 21 00:01:13,500 --> 00:01:14,500 I'm free now. 22 00:01:14,780 --> 00:01:17,880 We'll gather the staff together. The CDU has arrived. 23 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:19,160 The CDU? 24 00:01:19,220 --> 00:01:20,720 The Christmas display unit. 25 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,000 Oh, gorgeous. 26 00:01:22,100 --> 00:01:23,820 Miss Browns, forward, please. 27 00:01:24,340 --> 00:01:27,220 Mrs. Slocum? Oh, she's in there, flogging a tick fun. 28 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,640 she is undertaking a millinery sale. I'm sure she can spare us a moment. 29 00:01:34,340 --> 00:01:35,340 Mrs. Slocum. 30 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:37,440 You called. 31 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:42,060 May we inquire why you're wearing that hat? 32 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:45,340 A customer wanted to see how it looked on me. 33 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:46,700 Where is the customer? 34 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:48,080 She left. 35 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:52,960 Mr. Rumbold would like to see you without the hat. 36 00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:56,640 Mr. Granger, are you free? 37 00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:59,160 Captain Peacock, would you come over here? 38 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:04,120 I'd rather that you came over to me. Well, I would rather that you came over 39 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:05,120 me. 40 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:09,539 Stranger, although you are the senior assistant, I must inform you that I am 41 00:02:09,539 --> 00:02:10,880 one who is in charge on the floor. 42 00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:15,720 And I must inform you that I'm the one who has his tie caught in the till. 43 00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:21,020 All you have to do is ring up no sale. 44 00:02:21,340 --> 00:02:25,580 To do that, I need your signature, so would you please come over here? 45 00:02:31,790 --> 00:02:33,070 It's half empty. Where's Mr. Lucas? 46 00:02:33,330 --> 00:02:34,570 I'll be with you in a moment, sir. 47 00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:38,230 Come here at once, Mr. Lucas. 48 00:02:38,510 --> 00:02:40,890 I'm just coming, Captain Beagle. Just coming, Captain. 49 00:02:42,050 --> 00:02:43,090 What are you doing? 50 00:02:44,650 --> 00:02:47,630 I was just demonstrating the electric trouser press, Captain Beagle. I was 51 00:02:47,630 --> 00:02:48,589 disconnecting it. 52 00:02:48,590 --> 00:02:49,590 I see. 53 00:02:51,530 --> 00:02:53,790 Your toasted sandwich is ready, Mr. Lucas. 54 00:02:55,650 --> 00:02:56,650 Explain yourself. 55 00:02:57,090 --> 00:02:58,170 It's my breakfast, sir. 56 00:02:58,510 --> 00:03:01,450 If I don't have breakfast, I faint in front of the customers, and it's very 57 00:03:01,450 --> 00:03:02,448 for Grace Brothers. 58 00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:05,730 Why don't you have breakfast before you leave home? Ah, well, I very nearly did. 59 00:03:06,090 --> 00:03:08,190 Only the central heating's been cut off in the buildings. 60 00:03:08,570 --> 00:03:11,810 I was just about to have my two boiled eggs when I noticed that my poor 61 00:03:11,810 --> 00:03:13,370 mother was lying there blue with a cold. 62 00:03:13,910 --> 00:03:17,070 What can I do, I thought, so I stuck the two boiled eggs in the tea cosy and 63 00:03:17,070 --> 00:03:18,430 stuck it on her head to keep her ears warm. 64 00:03:19,310 --> 00:03:22,890 Then I suddenly realised I was going to be late for work, so I gave her a quick 65 00:03:22,890 --> 00:03:24,690 kiss on her blue chap lips and ran for the bus. 66 00:03:25,610 --> 00:03:29,470 The last I saw, she was sitting there clutching the canary to stop her hands 67 00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:30,470 from freezing. 68 00:03:30,530 --> 00:03:33,550 If you care to join us for Christmas, you're very welcome, Captain Peacock. 69 00:03:34,370 --> 00:03:35,370 Get rid of it. 70 00:03:35,830 --> 00:03:36,830 Yes, sir. 71 00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:39,730 Well, now, where's Mr Humphreys? 72 00:03:39,950 --> 00:03:42,770 Oh, Mr Grace gave him special permission to be late after the weekend. 73 00:03:47,730 --> 00:03:52,830 Nobody told me about this. Where have you been, Mr Humphreys? Where no other 74 00:03:52,830 --> 00:03:53,830 has ever been before. 75 00:03:57,190 --> 00:03:59,530 I hope this has been at an Outward Bound school. 76 00:03:59,830 --> 00:04:02,930 Yes, they rode us to this island and we all had to fend for ourselves. 77 00:04:03,350 --> 00:04:05,470 You know, all they gave us was a two -man tent. 78 00:04:05,770 --> 00:04:07,710 I fought till three o 'clock in the morning. 79 00:04:08,210 --> 00:04:09,790 That was just to get the stove alight. 80 00:04:10,830 --> 00:04:11,890 Were they all men? 81 00:04:12,170 --> 00:04:13,910 Well, it's hard to tell like this, isn't it? 82 00:04:14,380 --> 00:04:18,040 Had it not been for a mouse crawling into the tent, I'd never have realised 83 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:21,380 for the past two days I've been sharing my razor with a lady traffic warden. 84 00:04:22,079 --> 00:04:25,080 Get into a fitting room and take it off before the customers see you. With 85 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:29,400 pleasure. Do you know, coming here on the tube, an Eskimo tried to rub noses 86 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:30,400 with me. 87 00:04:30,820 --> 00:04:34,000 I should have thought you'd be one of the last people to go on one of those 88 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,680 expeditions. The advert said it would make a man of you, so my mother thought 89 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:38,680 I'd better give it a try. 90 00:04:39,820 --> 00:04:42,640 Well, hello, impoverished sunshine. 91 00:04:43,660 --> 00:04:44,660 Everybody's side. 92 00:04:45,060 --> 00:04:47,080 Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the CDU. 93 00:04:47,980 --> 00:04:53,080 CDU? The Christmas display unit. Grace Brothers is purchasing one for each 94 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,240 department. What a lovely floor. 95 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,820 I bet there's a diesel -powered radiator to go with it. 96 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,180 Next Christmas, they'll have us all replaced by robots. 97 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:05,120 I can see it now. You know, a remote -controlled Granger with a bionic truss. 98 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,440 And a gas -filled Mrs. Slocum. 99 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:13,400 And a special switch for Mr. Lucas to shut his atomic... cake over there. 100 00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:17,580 May we inquire exactly what its function is? 101 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:23,220 Yes, well, the specification says that it utters a Christmas phrase in a deep 102 00:05:23,220 --> 00:05:27,980 avuncular voice and opens its arms in a friendly, welcoming fashion. 103 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:30,200 Oh, that'll be nice. 104 00:05:31,020 --> 00:05:32,600 May I ask a question? 105 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,980 Yes, of course. I realise it is all rather technical for the average mind to 106 00:05:36,980 --> 00:05:40,100 grasp, but I'll do my best. What is it? What does avuncular mean? 107 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:44,420 Oh, well, it means like a sort of... Like an uncle. 108 00:05:45,820 --> 00:05:47,820 But he looks nothing like my uncle. 109 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,220 Looks a bit like my Auntie Ethel, only her beard's a bit longer. 110 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:54,620 Yes, well, I won't ask you for it any more, Quester. 111 00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:55,840 Well, can we see it work? 112 00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:01,240 Yes. All we need is 50p. Oh, here. Be my guest, Mr. Rumbart. No call for you to 113 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:04,840 provide it, Mr. Harmon. Oh, think nothing of it. I've got the key to the 114 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:05,840 box. 115 00:06:07,180 --> 00:06:09,120 Ho, ho, ho, little boy. 116 00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:10,860 Goodbye, Mr. Rumbart. 117 00:06:11,310 --> 00:06:12,310 For you. 118 00:06:13,690 --> 00:06:17,570 Yeah, well, you see, there should be like a brand tub in front where the 119 00:06:17,570 --> 00:06:21,750 owners put their sticky little mitts and they bring out a minisophant plastic 120 00:06:21,750 --> 00:06:23,410 present made in Hong Kong. 121 00:06:24,310 --> 00:06:25,430 Worth about fourpence. 122 00:06:26,290 --> 00:06:30,210 Here, I thought you said it owned its arms in a warm and friendly fashion. 123 00:06:30,730 --> 00:06:34,390 I think a little technical adjustment is required if you will excuse me. 124 00:06:38,530 --> 00:06:40,670 Shall I try again, sir? Yes, please. 125 00:06:42,950 --> 00:06:47,210 Ho, ho, ho, little boy. Have I got a surprise for you. 126 00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:59,570 I wonder what that's all. 127 00:07:02,150 --> 00:07:03,330 Why, do you want to buy one? 128 00:07:05,450 --> 00:07:09,010 Yeah, well, the sleeves it's got stitched to the coat. I'll sung it out 129 00:07:09,570 --> 00:07:10,670 Have I missed anything? 130 00:07:12,180 --> 00:07:15,840 Well, there are one or two teething troubles, but I'm sure you'll soon get 131 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:18,340 gist of what we're trying to do. Show him, Mr. Harmon. 132 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,460 There's going to be one of these in each department for Christmas. 133 00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:26,540 Ho, ho, ho, little boy. Have I got a surprise for you. 134 00:07:42,470 --> 00:07:46,310 Oh, watching our figures, are we? We don't get paid until tomorrow. 135 00:07:46,970 --> 00:07:49,850 You know, I can't make up my mind whether to have it on the bone or off. 136 00:07:50,130 --> 00:07:51,630 I don't have it stuffed, dear. 137 00:07:51,870 --> 00:07:55,750 Have it stuffed as a memento of your hard times. You don't want all those 138 00:07:55,750 --> 00:07:57,050 potatoes, do you? Get off! 139 00:07:57,830 --> 00:08:00,210 What did you select, Captain Peacock? 140 00:08:00,510 --> 00:08:01,510 Theme cod. 141 00:08:02,250 --> 00:08:03,330 Shall I take a look at it? 142 00:08:04,830 --> 00:08:05,830 Right. 143 00:08:06,230 --> 00:08:09,930 Just think, 40 brave men... 144 00:08:10,730 --> 00:08:14,690 tossed in their frail craft in a ninety -mile -an -hour gale, rammed by 145 00:08:14,690 --> 00:08:18,890 gunboats, frozen fingers pulling at the nets, all for this. 146 00:08:21,030 --> 00:08:22,250 That's smoked, I bet. 147 00:08:24,350 --> 00:08:27,130 I should get on with it if I were you. It all tastes the same. 148 00:08:27,410 --> 00:08:29,370 If you don't fancy the tale, I'll have it. 149 00:08:30,050 --> 00:08:31,190 Where's old Granger? 150 00:08:31,450 --> 00:08:33,690 When last seen, he was ordering a minute's take. 151 00:08:33,970 --> 00:08:35,950 His teeth will never stand up to it. 152 00:08:36,890 --> 00:08:38,350 Well, at least it won't splash. 153 00:08:40,490 --> 00:08:42,270 I think he's rather worried. 154 00:08:42,549 --> 00:08:45,670 He's volunteered to do a turn in a concert for the old people's home. 155 00:08:46,230 --> 00:08:47,610 Didn't he do that last year? 156 00:08:47,870 --> 00:08:50,670 He does it every year. He does an impersonation of Churchill. 157 00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:54,210 Never have so many Winstons been done so often for so few. 158 00:08:55,490 --> 00:08:58,710 Well, this time they've asked him to do something more up to date. Oh, yeah? 159 00:08:58,730 --> 00:08:59,730 What's he come up with? 160 00:09:00,590 --> 00:09:01,590 Stafford Cripps. 161 00:09:02,790 --> 00:09:04,350 Would you pass the water, please? 162 00:09:04,590 --> 00:09:05,770 I'm on a health diet. 163 00:09:07,110 --> 00:09:08,110 Thank you. 164 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:13,560 short of the essentials one is until one starts looking at health magazines. 165 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:18,100 Well, which particular pill is going to cure which particular deficiency? 166 00:09:19,420 --> 00:09:21,380 I should start with the big ones, if I were you. 167 00:09:23,700 --> 00:09:24,940 Funny you should say that. 168 00:09:26,420 --> 00:09:27,420 That's kelp. 169 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:34,300 This is vitamin A, B, C and D. That replaces the vitamins in bread, butter, 170 00:09:34,380 --> 00:09:35,740 cheese, beer and sunshine. 171 00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:39,140 Personally, I'd rather have a cheese sandwich and a glass of beer sitting in 172 00:09:39,140 --> 00:09:40,140 sun. 173 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:44,360 I hate so much for these pills, I can't afford it. This is a new one I'm taking 174 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:45,460 at the moment, vitamin E. 175 00:09:45,820 --> 00:09:47,620 Isn't that supposed to make you be sexy? 176 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:50,120 Hang on a minute. 177 00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:07,700 wrinkled and old. 178 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:10,280 I bet you've been taking those, haven't you, Mrs. Slocum? 179 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,160 No, I just look after myself. 180 00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:17,800 Yeah, I'm sure you do. And may I say how much I admire you? 181 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:19,220 Thank you, Mr. Lucas. 182 00:10:19,460 --> 00:10:21,020 How else could you look like that at 65? 183 00:10:22,940 --> 00:10:26,820 Mr. Lucas, you're impolite to Mrs. Slocum. You will not be permitted to sit 184 00:10:26,820 --> 00:10:27,820 the senior's table. 185 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,240 Did you get your minutes taken? 186 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,100 No. They said it would take ten minutes. 187 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,800 with spaghetti bolognese. 188 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:41,220 The instant junkies. 189 00:10:41,540 --> 00:10:45,100 Mr. Lucas, get in touch with the dry cleaning department. Tell them to stay 190 00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:46,100 later. 191 00:10:47,340 --> 00:10:49,220 I'm very fond of this, you know. 192 00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:50,519 It's Mrs. 193 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:53,300 Granger and I first headed in Sorrento. 194 00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:54,820 Did you ever finish it? 195 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,240 It's facetious, Mr. Lucas. 196 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:00,960 It's a knack, you know. 197 00:11:08,810 --> 00:11:10,030 he'll drop it into the little red leg. 198 00:11:11,190 --> 00:11:12,190 Here. 199 00:11:12,670 --> 00:11:13,950 Were you the last spaghetti? 200 00:11:14,250 --> 00:11:15,570 Yes, well, what's the trouble? 201 00:11:15,890 --> 00:11:19,030 I hope you haven't eaten it yet. No, you're just in time. Pull up a chair and 202 00:11:19,030 --> 00:11:20,030 walk. 203 00:11:20,270 --> 00:11:21,290 Why, for God's sake! 204 00:11:21,690 --> 00:11:24,570 We just looked at the date on the tin it expired six months ago. 205 00:11:25,050 --> 00:11:26,410 Oh, damn. 206 00:11:27,190 --> 00:11:29,270 It's the first time I'd mastered it. 207 00:11:30,310 --> 00:11:32,090 Never mind, you've still got the junket. 208 00:11:33,070 --> 00:11:34,670 I was hoping he'd forgotten, though. 209 00:11:39,630 --> 00:11:42,430 Alternative material for your old folks' home. 210 00:11:43,430 --> 00:11:45,230 He has a pity about Winston Churchill. 211 00:11:45,610 --> 00:11:49,090 Yes. All the old values are changing. 212 00:11:49,770 --> 00:11:53,610 And if I may say so, I do think that Stafford Cripps is a bit out of date. 213 00:11:53,910 --> 00:11:56,130 Yes, perhaps you are right, Stephen. 214 00:11:56,630 --> 00:11:59,670 I might try some Leslie Horbalisha. 215 00:12:00,650 --> 00:12:02,590 Who was he when he was a child? 216 00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:06,030 He was responsible for flashes at pedestrian crossings. 217 00:12:14,350 --> 00:12:15,690 Reinventing the Belisha beacon. 218 00:12:15,990 --> 00:12:18,250 It could be your greatest triumph, sir. 219 00:12:18,450 --> 00:12:23,250 I can see it now. Mr. Granger standing there with his head painted red, 220 00:12:23,250 --> 00:12:24,430 away to a hushed audience. 221 00:12:25,310 --> 00:12:28,250 My memory is not so good, you know. 222 00:12:28,630 --> 00:12:31,890 I don't know whether I'd be able to learn the new word. 223 00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:36,390 Well, that's easily remedied, Mr. Granger. You could mime to something. 224 00:12:36,730 --> 00:12:41,490 Yeah, what about Julie Andrews singing the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? 225 00:12:42,030 --> 00:12:45,650 Well, I think it's very un... kind the way you go on at Mr. Granger. 226 00:12:46,110 --> 00:12:47,970 What have you ever done for old people? 227 00:12:48,230 --> 00:12:50,710 I helped you the other day when your fitting room door got stuck. 228 00:12:52,050 --> 00:12:54,330 I apologise that that is an order. 229 00:12:55,570 --> 00:12:58,890 I'm very sorry, Mrs. Slocum. I do apologise most sincerely and most 230 00:12:59,250 --> 00:13:00,250 Accept it. 231 00:13:01,770 --> 00:13:03,710 She really is a good old sport, you know. 232 00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:08,130 I think the idea of a mime might very well solve your problems. 233 00:13:08,430 --> 00:13:11,850 Yes, the black and white minstrels mime. They just open and close their mouths. 234 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,500 but there are 50 of them and there's only one of me. 235 00:13:16,420 --> 00:13:18,120 You could do Al Jolson. 236 00:13:18,540 --> 00:13:21,000 I'm surprised you remember him, Mrs. Slocum. 237 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,900 Listen, they'll have the record in the music department. All you'll have to do 238 00:13:27,900 --> 00:13:30,440 is open and close your mouth at the right moment. 239 00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:32,820 But he can't do that with a junket. 240 00:13:35,380 --> 00:13:40,040 Perhaps you could get Mr. Humphreys to teach you a few actions to go with it. 241 00:13:40,260 --> 00:13:41,800 Oh, would you, Mr. Humphreys? 242 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,380 Yes, with pleasure, Mr. Granger. I love a challenge. 243 00:13:45,260 --> 00:13:46,980 All we've got to do is think of the right song. 244 00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:51,500 What about the old folks at home? Oh, the old folks at home. Mrs. Slocum could 245 00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:52,560 teach you the actions to that. 246 00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:54,959 I'm off. 247 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,140 Mr. Lucas. All right, I'll go and apologize. 248 00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:02,120 What about Climb Up On My Knees, Sonny Boy? 249 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:03,900 I don't think his knees are up to it. 250 00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:10,120 I can remember some of the words of Mammy. Which are the words you remember? 251 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:24,600 No, she's not, Cross. 252 00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:26,960 She was at the counter ordering a bowl of junkie. 253 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:31,500 You're very lucky, Mr Lucas, that Mrs Slocum is a woman of great self 254 00:14:31,860 --> 00:14:33,640 Yeah, she's not a bad old trout, really. 255 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:46,740 Here, Mr Rager, I've borrowed this record, and we can play it through the 256 00:14:46,740 --> 00:14:47,740 system. 257 00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:52,040 It is really very good of you, you know, Mr Humphreys. Not at all, Mr Granger. 258 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,780 As soon as everybody's gone, we'll have a little rehearsal. 259 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:58,060 Just a moment, please, just a moment. Mr Rumble would like to address you before 260 00:14:58,060 --> 00:14:59,060 you all leave. 261 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,260 Well, I hope it's not going to take long. 262 00:15:01,820 --> 00:15:06,860 If I'm not home on the stroke of seven, my pussy starts cloying at my jizziness. 263 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:13,740 Sorry about this. You've probably heard that our electric father Christmases 264 00:15:13,740 --> 00:15:15,420 have not been an unqualified success. 265 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:20,020 The voice is all right, but the arms need some modification. 266 00:15:20,460 --> 00:15:22,900 Yes, it was a pity about the small boy with the broken ribs. 267 00:15:24,540 --> 00:15:25,540 Still, Mr. 268 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:28,900 Grace did manage to pull a few strings and get him put in a private ward with 269 00:15:28,900 --> 00:15:30,880 his father, who's no longer on the danger list. 270 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:35,760 Having recovered from the electric shock sustained when trying to release the 271 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:36,760 little lad. 272 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:38,800 What it is to have influence. 273 00:15:39,580 --> 00:15:44,040 Yes, so it's been decided to abandon the project and instead substitute a live 274 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,040 Father Christmas. 275 00:15:45,450 --> 00:15:46,670 I'm asking for a volunteer. 276 00:15:47,130 --> 00:15:49,330 Naturally, it's hot work, but there is a bonus. 277 00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:51,110 Ten pounds a week. 278 00:15:51,730 --> 00:15:53,170 Less tax? Less tax. 279 00:15:53,670 --> 00:15:56,670 Anybody fancy wearing a beard and a dressing gown for a week for three quid? 280 00:15:57,130 --> 00:15:58,390 Perhaps a show of hands? 281 00:15:58,690 --> 00:16:01,550 With all these youth pills I'm taking, I don't think it would be good for my 282 00:16:01,550 --> 00:16:02,550 image. 283 00:16:03,850 --> 00:16:05,910 Children don't seem to like me. 284 00:16:06,190 --> 00:16:10,410 When I smile, they hide their faces in their mother's skirts. 285 00:16:12,650 --> 00:16:16,360 Well, uh... If any of you do decide to change your mind, perhaps you'd like to 286 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:17,580 submit a written application. 287 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,000 Otherwise, someone will have to be appointed. 288 00:16:20,300 --> 00:16:21,400 Now, that's all. Good night, everybody. 289 00:16:22,589 --> 00:16:25,950 Right, come on, look, I've plugged it in. Now, Mr. Granger, Mr. Lucas and I 290 00:16:25,950 --> 00:16:29,410 worked out one or two actions for you. Oh, that's very kind of you, Mr. 291 00:16:29,590 --> 00:16:33,110 Humphrey. Not at all, Mr. Granger. I just hope you'll bear it in mind when I 292 00:16:33,110 --> 00:16:35,130 if I can leave early on Christmas Eve to do me shopping. 293 00:16:35,630 --> 00:16:39,590 Well, nothing is for nothing, as my grandmother used to say. 294 00:16:39,890 --> 00:16:43,550 Now, you sit down here, Mr. Granger, and we'll show you what we've got in mind. 295 00:16:44,930 --> 00:16:47,090 Your hat, Mr. Lucas. Oh, thank you, Mr. Humphrey. 296 00:16:47,510 --> 00:16:51,710 Your cane, Mr. Humphrey. Are you free, Mr. Humphrey? I'm free, Mr. Lucas. 297 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:53,400 Fun fact! 298 00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:44,600 Yes, I mean lots of people would take years you know to get hold of a routine 299 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:45,600 like this 300 00:19:22,410 --> 00:19:26,830 My mouth was moving with the words, wasn't it? Oh, yes, yes. Your legs 301 00:19:26,830 --> 00:19:27,830 moving with your brain. 302 00:19:29,530 --> 00:19:34,010 Perhaps we could do it a bit at a time. Yeah, all right, yes. First of all, 303 00:19:34,010 --> 00:19:35,950 let's start by deciding which is your left leg. 304 00:19:36,670 --> 00:19:39,110 Tell you what you do, Mr. Granger. You see, you come on like this and you go, 305 00:19:39,210 --> 00:19:41,230 Mammy, mammy. 306 00:19:41,490 --> 00:19:43,690 The sun shines east and you go over there. 307 00:19:43,970 --> 00:19:46,310 The sun shines west and you go over there. 308 00:19:46,650 --> 00:19:48,550 And I know where the sun shines best. 309 00:19:49,090 --> 00:19:50,790 In which direction is that? 310 00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:54,040 me come to you. 311 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,900 Perhaps we could play the music a little slower. 312 00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,540 Half a word with Al Jolson. It's only record. 313 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,520 Well, yes, but you can change the time. 314 00:20:03,780 --> 00:20:06,220 Oh, you're not as silly as you look, are you? 315 00:20:06,700 --> 00:20:07,700 All right. 316 00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:09,760 Ready? Yes. Now, steady, Mr. Granger. 317 00:20:29,870 --> 00:20:31,550 plenty of time to think what comes next. 318 00:20:31,910 --> 00:20:32,910 Right! 319 00:20:34,050 --> 00:20:35,050 Now walk round. 320 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:09,980 Mr. Grace, to begin with, there were no applications at all for the Father 321 00:22:09,980 --> 00:22:10,899 Christmas post. 322 00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:15,880 But since I've told my staff that you're offering £50 in cash, they've all 323 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,460 applied. I thought they would. 324 00:22:18,940 --> 00:22:20,940 Some people would do anything for money. 325 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,000 Are you still down there, Miss Bakewell? 326 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:25,200 Yes, please. 327 00:22:26,340 --> 00:22:27,340 Oh, 328 00:22:28,220 --> 00:22:32,020 it's all right. I found it. It was in the waste paper basket. 329 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:33,999 All right. 330 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,760 I found it. It was in the waste paper basket. 331 00:22:36,940 --> 00:22:37,940 Oh, good. 332 00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:41,500 Well, now, who do you fancy? 333 00:22:42,540 --> 00:22:45,760 None of your business. 334 00:22:47,340 --> 00:22:52,880 As Father Christmas, sir. Oh, well, line them all up and I'll come down and pick 335 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,340 one out before the store opens. 336 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:57,540 And it is definitely £50 in cash? 337 00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,380 Absolutely cash in the hand. 338 00:23:00,100 --> 00:23:01,079 Thank you, sir. 339 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:02,080 Right. 340 00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,380 Oh, who is it? Captain Peacock. 341 00:23:13,820 --> 00:23:15,060 Oh, come in. 342 00:23:18,820 --> 00:23:20,940 Oh, I'm sorry. I wanted to see Mr. Rumbold. 343 00:23:21,820 --> 00:23:23,000 Ah, good morning. 344 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:30,480 I came to inquire if the members of the executive staff were permitted to apply 345 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:31,800 for the post of Father Christmas. 346 00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:32,819 They are. 347 00:23:32,820 --> 00:23:33,840 I gathered that. 348 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,800 Oh, wait a minute. Come over here and stand by me. We'll give her a surprise. 349 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:44,640 Enter. 350 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:49,440 Mrs. 351 00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:53,740 Slocum, what on earth are you playing at? 352 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:56,780 I'm not playing at nothing, Mr. Rumble. 353 00:23:58,580 --> 00:24:03,460 But I would ask you to remember that Parliament has passed... 354 00:24:16,780 --> 00:24:17,900 the same for doing it. 355 00:24:18,980 --> 00:24:22,980 I'm rather confused as to exactly what you're suggesting, Mrs. Snowden. 356 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,060 That I should be allowed to have a go at Father Christmas. 357 00:24:29,980 --> 00:24:33,260 Fathers are, by tradition, men. 358 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:36,480 Well, with all these whiskers, who's to know the difference? 359 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:37,960 Presumably the mothers. 360 00:24:38,340 --> 00:24:40,780 I demand they rise to a fair trial. 361 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:44,080 Oh, very well. We'll let young Mr. Grace decide. 362 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,080 The things I do for 50 quid. 363 00:25:39,500 --> 00:25:41,580 in a Soho review called Mary Stripmos. 364 00:25:42,540 --> 00:25:44,140 Do you see what the girls wear? 365 00:25:45,620 --> 00:25:47,860 Do you show up or are you standing in a hole? 366 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:53,160 Downside -o. 367 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:57,180 No, I've seen everything. 368 00:25:58,440 --> 00:25:59,440 I hope not. 369 00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:04,680 Young Mr. Grace will be here in a moment. Where's Mr. Granger? 370 00:26:04,940 --> 00:26:08,490 Well, I phoned last night. just before he went to his concert, and his wife 371 00:26:08,490 --> 00:26:12,030 he'd put black grease paint all over his face. The parrot had seen him and had a 372 00:26:12,030 --> 00:26:13,030 heart attack. 373 00:26:13,430 --> 00:26:16,710 So I told her to wish him luck and give the parrot mouth -to -mouth 374 00:26:16,710 --> 00:26:17,710 resuscitation. 375 00:26:20,490 --> 00:26:21,490 Oh, 376 00:26:25,210 --> 00:26:26,210 Mr. King. 377 00:26:27,250 --> 00:26:28,630 We were amongst friends. 378 00:26:29,270 --> 00:26:33,910 He said he saw he was late, but he got roped in as fur dustbin in a steel band. 379 00:26:36,940 --> 00:26:39,040 to get this damn stuff off my face. 380 00:26:39,380 --> 00:26:42,760 Well, didn't you use the remover I gave you? Yes, I did. It brought me out in 381 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:43,760 big bumps. 382 00:26:43,820 --> 00:26:46,080 Oh, you poor old thing. 383 00:26:46,500 --> 00:26:48,240 Then I went to an all -night chemist. 384 00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:49,560 Couldn't he help you? 385 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:55,560 No, he just rushed with a telephone, called for an ambulance and said, Lasser 386 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:56,560 fever. 387 00:26:57,700 --> 00:26:58,700 Mr. 388 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:02,420 Grace will be down in a moment. Get the rest of your Father Christmas stuff on 389 00:27:02,420 --> 00:27:04,900 and maybe with a whiskers and a beard he won't notice. 390 00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:06,160 How did the show go? 391 00:27:06,510 --> 00:27:07,990 Oh, I was a riot. 392 00:27:08,250 --> 00:27:13,250 He went to the wrong hole and did two choruses for the National Front. 393 00:27:15,310 --> 00:27:20,330 Well, it's very lucky the old people laughed a lot, because I had a terrible 394 00:27:20,330 --> 00:27:22,470 with my wife before I left. 395 00:27:22,730 --> 00:27:24,970 I called her kissing the parrot. 396 00:27:26,430 --> 00:27:28,990 Quick, into line, everybody. Here comes young Mr. Chris. 397 00:27:37,450 --> 00:27:39,430 Neither of you. You're both too shifty -eyed. 398 00:27:40,730 --> 00:27:43,390 I'll pay him 50 quid. He's only half -sized. 399 00:27:44,750 --> 00:27:46,950 You see, I don't think I know you, do I? 400 00:27:47,190 --> 00:27:49,490 Ho, ho, ho, little boy. 401 00:27:49,730 --> 00:27:51,970 Have I got a surprise for you. 402 00:27:52,690 --> 00:27:54,450 Good morning, Mr. Slocum. 403 00:27:55,810 --> 00:28:00,290 You see, I thought you were very good last week. You saw my sales figures. 404 00:28:00,750 --> 00:28:03,110 No, no. I saw Mary Stripmas. 405 00:28:07,820 --> 00:28:13,060 Now, I knew it would be a difficult choice, so I sent my secretary out to 406 00:28:13,060 --> 00:28:16,700 up the first small voice he clapped her eyes on, and he can choose. 407 00:28:18,900 --> 00:28:21,660 Wow, that's what I call a real Father Christmas. 408 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:28,400 Oh, little boy, have I got a surprise for you. 409 00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:39,640 Thank you.